i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
