Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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