Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
