NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
