Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
