I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
