i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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