..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
