Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
