we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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