I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
