I just gift wrapped bread.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
