Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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