she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
