this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
