I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
