i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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