I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's never too late to be topless.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think my moral compass just broke
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
