i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
