honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
