did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
