did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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