Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
