Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
