just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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