i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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