got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i think i scared a bird with my dick
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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