you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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