I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
