you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I wear drunk well.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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