I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
