Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
