To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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