so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
