Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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