I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
