i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
