Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
