Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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