think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
