i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
