I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize