she looked like the bat from fern gully.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
