am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
