If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
