I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
