the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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