saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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