I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
i think im in europe. pls send help
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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