I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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