I think my fart just growled at me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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