just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
