he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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