Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
