Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
