She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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