Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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