Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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