she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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