Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
