I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
