If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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