You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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